(theme music playing)
(cheering, applause)
Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "Last Week Tonight"!
I'm John Oliver. Thank you so much for joining us.
Just time for a quick recap of this week,
and we begin in Afghanistan.
It's the "just the tip" of international conflicts.
We jumped in too fast,
went in further than we originally intended,
and now we're pulling out way more slowly than we said we would.
Peace talks were supposed to take place this week
between the Taliban and the Afghan government,
but, on Wednesday, there was a big development.
Breaking news out of Afghanistan, right now.
The government there says
that Taliban leader Mullah Mohammed Omar
is dead.
Okay. Well, that's--
that's probably going to affect those talks then.
The Taliban has lost its key figure,
and that's going to be difficult.
It's not unlike when "Two and a Half Men" lost Charlie Sheen.
Yes, yes, the guy was a nightmare,
but he was undeniably the figurehead of the whole terrible enterprise.
Now, the US knew surprisingly little about Mullah Omar.
In fact, this was the government's wanted poster,
featuring vivid descriptions like "Hair: Black,"
"Nationality: Afghan,"
and "Height: Tall,"
which is pretty nonspecific.
If you're a basketball player, "tall" is seven feet.
but if you're writing your own profile on OkCupid,
it can mean 5'6."
There's-- There's a discrepancy there.
It had actually been a while since we had seen Mullah Omar,
although, as we found out later this week,
there was actually a pretty good explanation for that.
Lester Holt: Afghan officials said today, Mullah Omar died of hepatitis in 2013,
but his death was kept secret by the Taliban for more than two years.
Yeah, it turns out he's been dead for two years,
and the Taliban simply hadn't mentioned it.
I don't know why. Maybe they were just trying
to break it to their members gently.
"Oh, Mullah Omar? He's fine.
"He's living on a farm upstate
"where he can run and play with all the other Taliban leaders
"that you haven't seen for a while.
He's so happy. You'll see him soon."
This actually put the Taliban, though,
in something of an awkward position,
because they were still releasing statements from him
as recently as two weeks ago.
They've essentially been full-on "Weekend at Bernie's"-ing him
for the last two years.
In fact, so much so,
that, in April, they even published his biography,
saying, among other things, that he...
...which, I guess, was technically true.
Although, it would also have been fair to say
he's on a disciplined diet
and has been spending a lot of time in his garden.
But the point is,
by the end of the week,
the game was clearly up and the Taliban announced a new leader,
although details seemed a little light.
Woman: The new leader is Mullah Akhtar Mohammad Mansour.
He has been the Taliban's second in command
and deputy leader since 2010.
He was formerly the militant group's
minister of civil aviation and transportation.
Wait, wait.
They went with the former transportation minister?
That would be like if President Obama's successor
were our current transportation secretary, Evelyn Sargent.
By the way, that's a stock photo of a woman we found online,
and Evelyn Sargent is a made-up name.
The point is, you don't know who the secretary of transportation is.
Nobody does, because they're not supposed to be in line
for the top job in any organization!
Also, I have to say that's not a lot of information to go on.
Even the photo of him is blurry.
So, frankly, I dread to think
what the new government profile on him is going to look like.
So, let's move on to some good news out of Chechnya--
a sentence uttered almost as infrequently
as, "Man, I hope I get seated next to a baby."
Chechnya delivered a very unusual victory
in the war on terror this week.
Three young Chechen women have apparently had
more success battling ISIL than some fighting forces.
They swindled ISIL fighters out of thousands of dollars.
Woman: The trio made the fighters think they would be their brides.
The plot went like this:
The girls would meet ISIL recruiters online,
but tell them they had no money to travel from Chechnya to Syria.
That's when ISIL would offer to send them the funds.
Holy shit, they catfished ISIS!
They catfished ISIS!
And it just goes to show-- forget the CIA--
there are no more intimidating PSYOPS masterminds in the world of warfare
than scheming teenage girls.
They will take you down!
They are mean!
The girls actually took in over $3,000 before they got caught,
and the details are fantastic.
Translator: He tried to pull me in,
asking if I wanted to come to Syria and that I'd like it.
I said I had no money, and he said he'd help.
Woman: The girls received the money,
but never traveled to Syria
Instead, they blocked the ISIL fighter
they were communicating with
and moved on to the next target.
Oh! They just blocked him.
That is cold.
They didn't even send one last message saying,
"Really busy, can't get into a thing right now, but you are great.
It was fun talking to you!!"
They humiliated him so badly,
I can't believe I'm actually feeling sorry for someone in ISIS.
So, afterwards, what's going to happen to these three Chechen girls?
Are we talking a parade in their honor,
statues with pixelated faces?
What's it gonna be?
It's unclear, though, whether they will receive
any punishment for the scam.
Punishment?
You can't punish these girls.
Scamming ISIS is the best thing anyone did on Earth this week.
It's basically the exact opposite
of shooting a lion with a bow and arrow.
These three girls are the anti-dentist!
They must be celebrated! We must honor them!
So, finally-- finally, this week,
the United Kingdom-- America's before photo.
Britain-- Britain found itself
in a Parliamentary scandal this week
after "The Sun" newspaper released a bombshell video.
The British lawmaker has quit Parliament
in the wake of a drug and prostitution scandal.
Lord Sewel is facing a criminal investigation
after a video came out this weekend
purportedly showing him taking drugs with prostitutes.
Man: That's him, snorting what looks like cocaine
with a couple of prostitutes.
Lounging in the prostitute's bra,
the 69-year-old married father
brags about having more than a dozen marital affairs.
Okay, okay, okay,
there's obviously a lot to unpack there--
the cocaine, the prostitutes,
the orange bra, which somehow seems to be
a perfect fit for a 69-year-old married father.
I'm not saying what he did was right.
I'm saying he knows his own body, good for him.
Now-- Now, Lord Sewel--
seen here dressed as Jeffrey Dahmer, dressed as Santa Claus--
was forced to resign
as deputy speaker of the House of Lords
after "The Sun's" video was released.
And it wasn't just what he was doing in the video that was controversial.
It's what he was saying.
(Sewel speaking)
(audience laughs, groans)
Okay, okay, okay.
Ignoring the obvious racism and sexism for a moment,
I'll say this for Lord Sewel--
"We could have done with a nice Asian lady, but never mind,"
is an incredibly polite way
of registering a complaint at a coke-fueled orgy.
The guy has manners,
but, as we learned elsewhere in the footage,
Lord Sewel is nothing if not spectacularly polite.
(woman speaks)
(Sewel speaks)
No one enjoys cocaine "a little."
Cocaine is like ISIS or Insane Clown Posse.
It's not for everyone, but the people who like it
like it to a life-destroying extent.
Call your parents, Sean. They don't know what's happening to you.
And look, look, we don't have time, I'm afraid,
to get into every aspect of this video,
such as the fact that Sewel snorted cocaine through a £5 note,
meaning the cocaine had to traverse the queen's face en route to his nose,
or that he reportedly...
...before snorting cocaine off the prostitute's--
and I'm quoting the tabloids here-- boobs.
And it's a good thing he did,
otherwise, he would've heard his wife's nagging voice in his head the whole time.
"You're spilling cocaine everywhere, dear.
"There's an extra bit you missed on the boob.
Waste not, want not."
Now, until he resigned,
there was one more glorious tidbit.
Woman: "The Telegraph" reports that he could become
the first peer to be expelled from the House
under new rules that he helped put in place.
He wrote the rules!
The only way this could be any more ironic
is if he wrote them on the back of a picture of his wife,
which he then rolled up to snort cocaine off a prostitute's boob.
It's just so great!
Now, let me give you some quick context on the House of Lords itself,
because it's perhaps even stupider than this story.
It consists of nearly 800 members,
almost all of whom got lifetime appointments from prime ministers,
who meet to review laws passed by the House of Commons
in a room so gaudy, it looks like the tomb
Liberace's dog was buried in.
These are, by definition, a privileged group,
as you can tell from their ridiculous titles,
such as-- and these are all real--
the Lord Ponsonby of Shulbrede
and Baron Soulsby of Swaffham Prior.
And yet, they can claim a daily allowance
for attendance and travel from the taxpayer,
something that sticks in your throat a bit.
In fact, one of Lord Sewel's guests
actually asked him about this in the video.
(woman speaks)
(Sewel speaks)
Oh! Oh!
This guy is incredible!
"Oh, don't worry, lovie darling.
"I'm not wasting that money on lunch.
"I'm wasting it on cocaine, and, as I said before,
insufficiently Asian whores."
And look-- the point-- this is just the latest
in a long line of scandals involving the House of Lords,
and yet significant reform
still doesn't seem to be on the cards,
which is crazy.
Britain spends a lot of money on the House of Lords
and gets virtually nothing back.
And frankly, maybe they should take a lesson from America here,
because when this country subsidizes the lifestyle
of a horny, casually racist asshole,
at least we all get four "Lethal Weapon" movies out of it.
And now this.
Announcer: And now...
The Lord Wrigglesworth,
The Lord Phillips of Worth Matravers,
The Baroness Young of Old Scone,
The Lord Hennessy of Nympsfield,
The Baroness Farrington of Ribbleton,
The Lord Marlesford,
The Baroness Kinnock of Holyhead,
The Lord Griffiths of Fforestfach,
The Baroness Liddell of Coatdyke,
and The Lord Baker of Dorking.
(cheers, applause)
Moving on. Moving on.
Our main story tonight concerns America--
land of the free, home of the brave, inventor of Chinese food.
Now, as you know, America is made up of 50 states.
As a child, you may have been forced to learn to sing them in order.
* Alabama and Alaska
* Arizona, Arkansas
* California, Colorado
* Connecticut and more
* Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine *
* Maryland, Massachusetts, and good old Michigan *
* Texas, and there's Utah, Vermont, I'm almost through *
* Virginia, and there's Washington *
* And West Virginia, too
* Could Wisconsin be the last one or is it 49? *
* No, Wyoming is the last one in the 50 states that rhyme *
That is impressive, especially because that is a difficult song.
The British version is a little simpler. It goes like this.
* England, Scotland, Northern Ireland *
* Wales, and now this song is done *
And that's it. That's it.
To be fair, I will say
the song used to be a lot longer.
But-- But, of course,
50 states does not quite tell the whole American story.
You might remember, earlier this year,
we talked about US territories like Puerto Rico and Guam,
but there is one other US population
which suffers a lack of representation in DC,
and that's DC itself.
If you've ever visited, you've probably noticed
their license plates say "Taxation without representation."
And that's for a pretty good reason.
Woman: Washington, DC, isn't like your typical city in America.
Congress has the final say over its budget and laws,
and DC does not have full representation on the Hill.
Man: The Chinese pandas at the National Zoo
have as much right to representation in the US Congress
as any resident in the District of Columbia.
Okay, okay, but to be fair, that is probably for the best.
We don't need those pandas participating
in representative democracy.
We need them fucking,
and we need them to fuck a lot,
so don't get squeamish about this.
They're endangered.
The voting rights of Mei Xiang and Tian Tian can wait.
Right now, it's fuck o'clock,
you weird, biochromatic raccoons on steroids.
Take a trip to pound town, pronto.
But look, you can understand
why many people in DC are angry.
'Cause think about it. They pay federal taxes, and fight in wars,
and yet, have no member of Congress who is able to vote on their behalf,
even though their population is larger than Vermont and Wyoming,
and their Gross Domestic Product is higher than that of 16 states.
And if you're thinking, "Well, isn't this just how
countries treat their capitol cities?"
It actually isn't.
We're the only democracy in the world that does this.
In fact, when the Dalai Lama came to visit...
...calling it...
And it is not good when a guy from Tibet says,
"Wow. This situation is really undemocratic.
"Someone should do something about it.
Does Richard Gere know about this? Someone should tell him."
Now, to be fair, DC does have a member of Congress,
Eleanor Holmes Norton,
but there are some strict limits on her powers.
I vote in committee,
but I cannot do that
which every American would believe
is emblematic of citizenship.
And that is vote on the House floor--
vote on whether your taxes go up or go down.
Vote on whether you go to war or not. Can't do that.
So, she basically has pretend power,
like a child watching "Dora the Explorer."
Oh, yeah. Dora took her map out of her backpack
because you told her to.
Just keep believing that, you tiny idiot.
Just grow up.
And for more than two decades,
she's introduced bill after bill
to grant DC either statehood or a vote in Congress.
And, by the way, you do not want to interrupt her while she's arguing for it.
Someone tried eight years ago,
and it did not work out too well for them.
...and gave us home rule. Man: Will the gentlewoman yield?
I will not yield, sir!
The District of Columbia has spent 206 years yielding
to people who would deny them the vote!
I yield you no ground!
Not during my time! (man mumbles)
You have had your say,
and your say has been
that you think that the people who live in your capitol
are not entitled to a vote in their house!
Shame on you!
Yeah!
That is fantastic.
It's like "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington,"
except she was already in Washington and doesn't have the power to do anything.
At this point, it might be helpful
to just take a moment and explain how DC got into this mess.
Back in the late 1700s, there was no permanent US capitol,
it was just wherever Congress met,
meaning it was in eight different cities.
But after Congress was mobbed by veterans demanding back pay
in the Pennsylvania Mutiny of 1783,
they decided they needed an enclave under their own control.
So, they added a clause to the Constitution,
which said that Congress shall have the power to
"exercise exclusive legislation
"in all cases whatsoever
over a federal district,"
which is pretty significant power.
As far as documents demanding control go,
it's right up there with the one Christian Grey
asked Anastasia Steele to sign in "50 Shades of Grey,"
before he-- I don't know-- pinched her butt or whatever.
I haven't seen it for obvious reasons.
Jamie Dornan was and remains hashtag NotMyChristian.
But-- But DC--
DC went under federal control in 1801,
and it wasn't until the 1960s
that DC's then three-quarters of a million citizens--
mostly African-American--
were given even the most basic electoral rights.
Man: Until 1964, residents could not even vote in presidential elections.
It took a constitutional amendment to bestow that right.
A few years later, Congress granted limited home rule,
allowing DC voters to elect a mayor and city council,
but required all legislation, including the city's budget,
be subject to congressional approval.
And with that level of restriction,
the mayor of DC gets to run the city
the way a student council president gets to run her high school.
"Oh, sure, Kelsey, pick the theme for prom,
"but we'll control the budget, and 'Eyes Wide Shut'
"is not an acceptable theme.
"We are not having a repeat of last year.
It was a mess, and it was surprisingly boring."
Now, to be fair--
to be fair here, Congress very rarely rejects DC's decisions outright,
which sounds good.
Unfortunately, instead they attach so-called riders
to DC's appropriations bills,
stripping out funding for things that they don't like.
And given that DC is a fairly liberal and diverse city
and Congress is frequently neither of those things,
over the years, Congress has repeatedly stepped in
whenever DC is about to do something that they might disapprove of.
For example, just last November,
70% of Washingtonians voted to legalize
possession of marijuana,
and DC's residents were pretty excited about that.
Man: This strain is a strain called Mrs. Buttersworth.
It is illegal, what you're doing right now.
Very much.
It won't be illegal tomorrow, correct?
That is correct.
What is that like, to come out of the shadows, as it were?
It's literally-- for me, literally--
coming out of the closet.
I can literally take my tent out of this closet.
At-- At long last,
my tent can come out of its closet
and the hydroponic plant inside it, can proudly say,
"I'm here. My side effects include
"drowsiness, the desire to make claws out of Bugles on your fingertips, and fear.
"Get used to it! Get used to it!
'Cause I'm here and I look good!"
But then, Republicans in Congress
stepped in and passed a rider forbidding DC
from using their funds to enact that law.
And if you're wondering how that squares with the conservative ethos
of limited government and states' rights,
well, here is how one of those congressmen justified it.
Well, Washington, DC, is not a state,
and Washington, DC, has a lot to offer, but...
you know,
free reign on marijuana use?
I just don't buy that. I just don't think that that's the way they should operate.
So, states' rights, yes, but Washington, DC, is not a state.
You know you have a weak argument
when you're clinging to the precise wording you used.
"Hey, I said I wouldn't fuck any other women.
"This is my squash mate, Gary.
"Having sex with women, no,
"but Gary is not a woman.
You stay here, Gary. Let her leave."
Now, DC managed to find a loophole
that let them enact that marijuana law anyway,
but other laws have not been so lucky.
For nearly a decade, Congress successfully blocked DC
from using its own tax dollars to fund a needle exchange program
to battle the HIV epidemic.
And one of the men responsible for that,
Georgia Representative Bob Barr, explained why.
I would also remind our colleagues
of a very basic principle.
If you give people the means to do something
and encourage them to do it,
well, for heaven's sake, no surprise, they will do it.
Okay, that is just ridiculous.
Because providing clean needles to drug users
is not the same as putting out a bowl of chips at a party.
No one sees a needle exchange and thinks,
"Well, I had no intention of ever taking heroin,
"but seeing as you've offered,
"you know what? Don't mind if I do.
How kind. I don't want to be rude."
But it's a little hard
to hear him object to DC funding needle exchanges
when you hear a little fact later mentioned by one of his colleagues.
I trust that Mr. Barr is aware
that Georgia has a needle exchange program?
Yes, Georgia had a needle exchange program, too.
And what did Representative Barr think that theirs was for?
Injecting peach cobbler intravenously?
"Oh, I couldn't eat another bite,
"but I sure as shit ain't done yet.
"Fill me up!
"Let me ride the peach, y'all.
Let me ride the peach!"
And here's the thing. There were consequences to that rider.
In the nine years that DC was denied its needle exchanges,
more than 1500 injection-drug users
were diagnosed with HIV in the District.
And interestingly, since DC finally funded their needle exchanges in 2008,
HIV diagnosis linked to injecting drugs
went down by 87%, because of course they did.
Needle exchanges are always preferable to the alternative.
Try and think of needles as bridesmaid dresses.
Anyone who tells you you can reuse them
does not have your best interests at heart.
Just eat the $200 and throw it away, Cheryl.
She screwed you. She screwed all of the girls.
It seems that Congress just forces riders on DC
whenever they disapprove of how they're spending their own money.
They are treating more than 600,000 people right now like children.
And, in case you think I'm exaggerating,
listen to Florida Congressman John Mica
explain why DC should not get full control over their budget.
Well, when my kids were young teenagers,
they always wanted budget autonomy, too.
Man: So, you believe District Leaders are children?
Is that what you're saying? They're not ready?
No, but they have matured.
We just don't want regression.
"No, no, I'm not-- No, no, no. No, no, no, I'm not saying they're children.
"I'm just saying they can't be trusted with money
"until they learn some responsibility,
"and until then, we should give them an allowance.
"You know, now that I'm hearing it out loud, I am calling them children.
That is-- That is absolutely what I'm doing."
But the award for the most depressingly cynical thing
that has ever been said about DC
actually goes to our current president,
who, in 2011, avoided a government shutdown
by striking a deal with John Boehner
that included prohibiting DC from spending its own money
on abortions for low-income women,
saying, and I quote...
And the only time trading away DC abortion would be acceptable
is if "DC Abortion" is a rare 1950s comic book,
and you're getting Marvel's "The Amazing Mammogram" in return.
That is it.
Otherwise, that's not great.
Look, the people of DC clearly deserve a greater voice in their own affairs,
and they've actually come tantalizingly close
to getting a voting representative in Congress.
In 2009, a bill to give DC a vote was introduced in the Senate,
and the Senate did the most dickish thing imaginable--
passing it but with a little addition.
Well, you know, they passed a major hurdle today,
getting this DC voting rights bill through the Senate
but not without a highly controversial amendment attached to it.
This amendment would repeal all of DC's gun-control laws.
Oh, she's not kidding.
That amendment would've repealed
their ban on semi-automatic weapons,
removed criminal penalties for unregistered firearms,
and even altered their ability
to enact future gun-control legislation.
It was the kind of amendment NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre
dreams about as he sleeps in his bullet-filled bathtub,
I presume.
As a result of that amendment, the bill was dropped,
and DC has not been close to getting a vote since.
And the problem is, even if they eventually get one,
Congress could still add riders to mess with DC's laws,
and that's why many Washingtonians want full statehood.
But that's probably a long shot, because last year,
Congress held its first hearing on DC's statehood in 21 years,
and the turnout was not encouraging.
The sad thing was, only two members--
two senators of that committee actually showed up
to listen to testimony today.
That's pathetic!
That's pathetic. Yeah, it was.
Only two turned up.
That's not just a pathetic attendance for a hearing on Capitol Hill.
That would be pathetic for a one-year-old's birthday party.
Really, Mikey? Just your mom and dad?
You haven't made any other friends in an entire year?
Put yourself out there, Mikey!
The world is waiting for you, Mikey.
And look, whether the fix is a vote or statehood, something has to happen.
The problem is inertia is a really powerful force.
And opponents might say, "Well, we can't grant DC statehood.
"We'd have to change the Constitution,"
but we could do that.
The whole point of amendments is to fix things
that no longer make any sense.
It's happened 27 times and counting.
Others will say, "Well, hold on, we'd have to change the flag."
but we could do that.
I mean, sure, it would look slightly different,
but we've been using a 51-star flag for this whole segment
and none of you have fucking noticed.
So, you know, it wouldn't be--
it wouldn't be a crazy thing.
And yes, yes, it would probably screw up
the songs that we learned as children,
but we could change those, too.
In fact, until DC's situation is fixed,
we've taken the liberty of adding an amendment to that song.
Would you like to hear it, boys and girls?
(cheering loudly) Would you like to hear it?
Come on! Let's go! Let's go!
(piano music playing)
Hey, kids. Kids: Hi.
How you doing? Kids: Good!
Do you want to sing a song about the 50 states
and the inequities inherent in living in our nation's capitol?
Kids: Yeah! Heck, let's do it, shall we?
Okay.
That's great, kids.
Now, be more specific about the problem.
John: How?
It's true! It's horrifying, but it's true.
What's a solution, do you think?
Why not?
(music stops) That's our show!
Thank you so much for watching!
Thanks to all the kids! We'll see you next week!
Good night! (piano music playing)